We dodged a bullet this week.  Over the years, I’ve read various articles concerning the issue of twins and multiples in school — whether they should be in the same classroom or separate, and issues with schools that have a set policy on the matter.  I’ve been aware that some parents have struggled to get their families needs met, but I’ve always watched from a distance.  That didn’t concern me.  My kids were in a school where the principal believed in honoring the parents’ wishes when possible.

Until now. My boys were recently accepted into ”EAP” (Elementary Advanced Program for gifted and talented kids) in our school district. They would no longer be attending our neighborhood school.  My girls have just finished Kindergarten, and we want to move them to the new school, too.

Logistically, it makes sense for all the kids to be at the same school.  With kids in two schools, there would be a tight window for getting them all to school on time and for timely pickup after school.  Besides, we feel it would be easier to manage one school’s social calendar as well as managing volunteer efforts in the classrooms.

I was about to mail in the waiver forms when it dawned on me that I needed to check if the new school had a policy for placement of twins. It did. Their practice was to separate twins. Sigh. Wait a minute. “Policy” versus “Practice” — that sounds like a distinction worth exploring.

Last night, I spent some time researching the issue and prepared a rather lengthy email to the new school principal (I had attempted to contact him by phone for several days first, with no luck). I’m very happy to report that I already received a reply and the new principal is a gem.  He indicated that separating twins was their preference but they were not opposed to having them in the same classroom when it made sense.  He agreed to allow the waiver for my girls into the school and that he would place them in a class together.  Thank you, Mr. Principal!

We dodged a bullet.  But I was amazed at some of the things I learned in researching this issue.  I felt it was important to share my findings with you.

Traditionally, schools and teachers have expressed a preference for, or even have established mandatory policies regarding classroom separation of twins. A study in 1966 by Koch seemed to support the idea that separating twins encouraged them to perform better. But since that study, very little was done to challenge that notion. Some surveys were conducted about how teachers and parents felt about classroom separation of twins. But there was a startling lack of scientific study on the issue. How interesting, given that these more recent surveys showed many twin parents are opposed to separation.

Many schools districts or individual schools do not have written policies concerning separation of twins in the classroom, but instead have a commonly accepted “practice” of separating twins. It is unclear why many schools persist in separating twins as a matter of policy or practice.  For several years now, psychologists and twin experts such as the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs (NOMOTC) have recommended a flexible approach to placement of multiples in the classroom.

The 2003 study, What Effect Does Classroom Separation Have on Twins’ Behavior, Progress at School, and Reading Abilities? provides some great insights into the effect that separation has on twins. According to this study, “When compared to those not separated, those separated early had significantly more teacher-rated internalizing problems and those separated later showed more internalizing problems and lower reading scores. Monozygotic (MZ) twins showed more problems as a result of separation than dizygotic (DZ) twins. No group differences emerged for externalizing problems, ADHD or prosocial behaviors. ”

Fitting with the study results, my dizygotic (fraternal) twins were separated for one year of school, and we found it to be beneficial for them.  However, my monozygotic (identical) twins would most definitely experience problems being separated from each other.  Each case will be unique, and the decision to keep multiples together or to separate them should be made on a case by case basis.

The NOMOTC has compiled the following basic principles in their publication, “Placement of Multiple Birth Children in School: A Guide for Educators”:

1. Schools should provide an atmosphere that respects the close nature of the multiple bond while at the same time encouraging individual abilities.
2. Schools should maintain a flexible placement policy throughout the early elementary school years.
3. When multiple birth children are enrolled in different classrooms at the same grade level there is a need for a consistent approach to instruction and classroom management.
4. Educators should move with extreme caution when considering retention, acceleration, or designation in any one of the areas of exceptionality of one or more children in a set of multiples.
5. Teachers at the primary, middle and high school levels should value parental input regarding the nature of the multiples’ relationship.
6. School districts should provide staff at all grade levels with multiples related research and reading materials. Educators should seek out the latest research findings regarding the psychology of multiple birth children and incorporate these findings into their pedagogy.
7. At the university level, schools of education should include research findings into the psychology of twins and higher order multiples in their curricula.

It is time that educators (teachers, principals, administrators, school psychologists) bring themselves up to speed on what is best for multiples. They are going to keep seeing more and more of them in their schools as the numbers continue to rise.

• Part 1: Twins and Multiples in School — Same Classroom or Separate?
• Part 2:Twins and Multiples in School — 10 Reasons to Place Twins Together
• Part 3: Twins and Multiples in School — 8 Reasons to Separate Twins
• Part 4: Twins and Multiples in School — How to decide between together or separate
• Part 5: Twins and Multiples in School Together or Separate — What to do if you aren’t consulted

Copyright 2009 Kathryn Whiteley – http://twinParenthood.com

I was getting desperate. Preschool was starting in a couple of months, and my three and a half year old twin boys HAD to be potty trained or they couldn’t start. The main problem in getting them toilet trained was that we just didn’t have the energy to devote to it. Our twin girls were in their first year and had consumed every ounce of it.

But now, it was down to the wire, and I could put it off no longer. As per my usual style, I read everything written on the subject. I wondered if the technique for training multiples needed to be different than for toilet training a singleton. And when it came down to choosing my method, I ended up doing my own thing anyway. I took bits and pieces of things I’d read and reworked them to fit our family and our needs. Just as you should do, too.

The thing that most amazed me was that my girls were only about 12 months old, and unintentionally, they began to potty train, too! By 14 months old, they were completely toilet trained (with no accidents) and only used diapers at night. By eighteen months old, they were off the night diapers, too. The thing is, if you enthusiastically model the behavior, I think you could potty train 20 kids at the same time. There is a kind of synergy that grows. In fact, if it is done correctly, I really think that potty training multiples can be easier than potty training a singleton. So whether you have twins, triplets, or more — give my method a try and see how it goes for you.

The technique is pretty simple. I figured out a schedule of events for going to the bathroom and washing hands. I enthusiastically modeled the behavior. I then turned to the kids and asked, “Who’s next?” The timing for heading to the potty were natural events in their day that could be triggers the kids would be able to key into later by themselves (not based on a clock).

Our events were:

• Always upon rising (in the morning / after nap. Do this first thing, even if they wear a diaper for sleep)
• before snack (morning / afternoon)
• before sleep (nap / bedtime)
• before meals
• always before leaving the house
• always upon arriving home

Before we started, we talked about them getting to be old enough to use the toilet and to wear “big boy” and “big girl” underpants. We went on a special shopping trip where they picked out their new underpants, and we talked about how exciting it will be for them.

Then, I continued to really talk it up and model the behavior, and was VERY animated about it. “Oh! it’s snack time! I’ve got to go to potty!”, then I’d run (literally) in and let all four of the kids watch me use the toilet and wash my hands. (You’ve gotta give up on your privacy for a while!) Then I’d turn to them and say, “Who’s next?”

Pretty soon I’d only have to say, “Oh! it’s snack time!” and all four kids would run down the hall to the bathroom. Since there were four of them, we had them line up out in the hall to wait their turn. If there was any pushing, fighting, or crying that child went to the back of the line.

It’s kind of funny now… they are 8 and 6 and still, when I say, “Dinner time!” you can hear a trampling of footsteps as they all stampede to the bathroom. Then they line up outside the door to take their turn washing hands. They no longer use each of the events as triggers, but the hand washing at each of the events pretty much stuck.

If you have other regularly occurring events at your house, you can add those in — or create events as needed. The trick is that these events should trigger the habit of going to the bathroom. That way, later on when they ARE trained… you don’t have to spend all your time reminding them to go to the bathroom. The events trigger it.

Another critical survival tactic for us was having a potty chair in the back of the van. Even though we had them use the potty before we left the house, we still had our emergencies. The portable potty was a lifesaver more than a few times.
 
 

 
 
Toilet training is one of those things where a lot of different styles can be successful. You may need to consider other approaches that might be a better fit for your family and your kids.

One twin mom highly recommends Jan Faull’s approach to potty training (Mommy! I have to go Potty! A Parent’s Guide to Toilet Training). Archana B. of Seattle says, “I have a schedule for my kids to go “practice with them” so we end up going almost every 1 hour to 1.5 hours. I remind them by using these words (important words here) – ‘its time to go practice our potty… its your job to go potty, I am here to help, one day you will go potty all by yourself.’ This way you are giving them the onus for taking the responsibility to go potty and that they can count on you for help. Its about setting expectation too.

The other thing that I did which I did not even consider doing till Jan mentioned was getting rid of our changing table completely. Basically we now clean them, and diaper them for the night standing up. We got flushable wipes for the poop and do all the cleaning in the bathroom. We told them they are grown out the table and now big enough to use the potty. Its subtle, but made a big difference for the kids. We used to use the changing table as our “bonding” area and now that we have taken it away, we still cuddle and play but not while they are being diapered/pull up for naps etc..”

As with anything parenting, there are many different approaches and methods. If something here doesn’t quite click with you, there are many many books devoted to the subject available at your public library or book store. Whatever method you decide to try, the key is patience and consistently — as it always seems to be in parenting.

Saint Bev. That’s what my mother-in-law used to call my mom. She saved us. She gave of herself so unselfishly in those first few months. And she still does — at age 80, she still comes to be with us and help for a few hours a couple of days a week. She is amazing.

But not everyone can have a Saint Bev. In fact, many expectant parents of twins, triplets, or even higher order multiples don’t have a support system in place and don’t realize how much they’ll need one.

That’s where you come in. You don’t have to be a Saint Bev, but you can choose a twin baby shower gift that will contribute to a support system that can save the sanity of new twin parents. And you can still give something darling, soft, and cuddly that they’ll use everyday, too.

Whether you’re throwing the twin baby shower, attending, or are the guest of honor, bringing forward these ideas can make for a twin baby shower that sends the parents-to-be off with some concrete ways they’ll be receiving direct help for facing one of the most difficult seasons of their life.

The Diaper Party. Diaper parties have been around for twin showers for a while. At this shower, every attendee brings a case of newborn diapers. As a fun activity, one of the cases is opened, and attendees write inspiring and supportive messages to mom on the diapers using rainbow colored permanent markers. When mom changes a diaper, she gets an instant (virtual) hug. Make your own “diaper” cake to add to your shower’s theme. (Note: you don’t EAT a diaper cake… they’re made out of diapers!) Some of these are a real work of art!

Twin Help Signups. Create signup sheets for bringing meals, running errands (e.g. groceries), and for being a mother of multiple’s helper.

There are many great online tools available to make signing up to help easy. On Carecalendar.org, a coordinator inputs needs on a calendar, and guests can sign up for tasks and shifts that work for their schedule. If you create one, have a laptop at the shower so guests can signup on the spot. Still, old fashioned pen and paper work just fine.

Guests can signup to bring meals for several weeks after the babies are born. These signup slots should be no more frequent than every other day – as you don’t want the family inundated with leftovers.

Mother’s helper signups are particularly useful after the first couple of weeks. Often times, family and close friends come to help in the first few weeks, and something is needed to fill the gap when initial help drops off. Some don’t have family nearby, so you will want to plan the signups according to the need for this particular twin family. Usually, you can begin scheduling these helper shifts based on the twins’ due date. Since twins are usually early, the timing often works out just right. These can be scheduled out for several months with some guests wanting a regular weekly shift.

If you’re not able to participate in a group signup, make your own coupons to give to mom-to-be, detailing what help you can give (babysitting, errands, mother’s helper, household chores, etc.).

Families of Multiples are in real need of real help. Helpers need to keep in mind that this is not a time to just visit and hold a baby or change a diaper (or two!). It is helpful if the family has a list of tasks that can be performed. And most often, what mom really needs is a nap. Encourage her to do so, but don’t push too hard. She needs to know that you are willing to do what she most wants to get accomplished. If she doesn’t have a list, you can offer to do the dishes, run the vacuum, or even clean a bathroom.

Darling, soft, and cuddly, too. Dillyhearts product review. While giving help to mom is most frequently cited as the “best shower gift” by parents of multiples, we all like to give and receive something darling, soft and cuddly, too. My personal favorites are handmade by dillyhearts. “Personalized super-soft cuddle blankets are a popular twins gift”, says Vickie Erlandsen, mompreneur of Dillyhearts, delightful gifts for babies on the go. “I’ve found that most of my customers prefer to order fun color combos that compliment each other, but are not necessarily an identical match.”

With so many options available, it’s easy to create a one-of-a-kind twins gift set that is ideal for mom-to-be, and will be a huge hit at the baby shower.

Dillyhearts’ personalized minkee toddler pillows have also become a top-selling twins gift. “After participating in celebrity twins First Birthday Gift Baskets for Patrick Dempsey’s boys and Marcia Cross’ girls last year, requests for double-pillow orders started rolling in,” Vickie says. “They’ve become by far my best seller.

Although intended for ages 2 and up, toddler pillow sets also make a fabulous baby shower gift since they can be used by mom as comfy nursing pillows, and are adorable additions to nursery decor until the babies transition safely from crib to toddler bed.”

Other hot sellers for twins are themed bib duos and themed bib & burp sets. To give a twins gift with impact, get creative! What style is the mom-to-be?
– Is she a modern rock ‘n roll mama?
– A trendy mom with funky retro taste?
– An active mom with a passion for baseball?
Find out the little details and your selection will not only stand out among the sea of generic baby gifts, but will be extra-meaningful for the mom-to-be.

Check out all the fun and unique hand-made gifts at www.dillyhearts.com.

It has been an amazing day — with all my kids shouting out ideas for a domain name.  Seems everything is taken (no surprise there).  But between the whole family, we came up with something that was still available — thus the birth of twinParenthood.com.  Course, it’s just parked for now.  But, we’ll get there. 

So, Happy Birthday twinParenthood.com!