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Twin Friendships are relatively easy to manage when twins are very young, but as twins get a little bit older, twin friendships can really be a challenge. Like many things twin, the dynamic is different with each unique set of twins, but there are many common twin friendship struggles.

These struggles get introduced when twins venture into new territory where new friendships can develop — such as school, sports, church, and other extra curricular activities.  These opportunities open the doors to meeting new kids and often times bring separate exposure to new kids.  Whereas in the early years, twins are frequently introduced to new friends at the same time, and have the same opportunities for becoming friends.  Friendships in the early years are often (not always) formed almost as a unit.  Both twins are friends with another child (or another set of twins).  Yet, even with these shared friends, struggles may begin to arise as children get a little bit older and want to stake a claim to a particular shared friend.

One Twin’s Friend

Even in the closest twin bond, when one twin makes a new friend that the other twin may not have been introduced to, or who has had limited exposure to, feelings can get hurt. No one wants to feel like the 3rd wheel. Unfortunately, this circumstance is very common with twins. One twin will often feel like the odd man out. Twins who once got along beautifully are now struggling.  This shows itself in many ways, from temper tantrums to sabotage.

Helping a twin cope

Parents need to be keenly aware of new friendships and help twins work through feelings of being shut out.  This might take the form of a special activity for the other twin to enjoy when their sibling is having a special playdate.  Parents can also actively search out opportunities for the other twin to make individual friendships of their own.  But probably most important, is encouraging your child to talk about her feelings. Help her to put herself into her twin’s place and explore those feelings, as well as putting  herself into the new friends’ position.

Helping a twin to be empathetic

But the burden of understanding should not be placed solely on the other twin.  The twin that is in the process of forming a separate friendship can use some coaching at this critical point as well.  Talk with him about friendships and empathy.  “How do you think it feels for Sally, now that you have a new friend? You don’t have to give up your new friendship, but how can you make her feel better along the way?” Helping your children through to deeper understanding is critical in their development into caring young people.

Ultimately, you cannot control your children’s friendships. But, you can be there to be a listening ear.  You can encourage your twins to talk about their feelings — with you and with each other. You can help them develop a deeper understanding of their twin bond and begin to develop empathetic feelings for others.  You can help them to understand that their actions and friendships are not totally about themselves.  Before you know it, they will have many types of friendships and will be caring young adults.

copyright 2010 – TwinParenthood / Kathryn Whiteley

When did your twins sleep through the night?

Sleeping through the night with twins — the ultimate goal, the ultimate bliss for sleep deprived parents. Getting a singleton to sleep through the night is a major goal for new parents, but add a second baby into the mix and sleeping through the night becomes not only a goal, but a necessity.

There are many things you can do to move your twins in the direction of sleeping through the night — but before we go there, let us make sure we’re all on the same page. Let us define “sleeping through the night”. According to Marc Weissbluth, M.D., author of the bestselling classic “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” and his latest, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins”, a more helpful term and thing to aim for is “organized night sleep“. He says, “When your twins have a long block of uninterrupted sleep lasting four to six hours, usually occurring before midnight, you can make this claim.” He goes further to say that you still might be feeding them once or twice during the night at this point.

According to Weissbluth, this milestone typically starts to happen at about or just past six weeks (counting from the due date). For sleep deprived parents of new twins, the news that babies still might being fed once or twice during the night might be slightly depressing news. Unless you are intentionally feeding your twinfants at the same time, this could mean 4 wakings in the night at the point in which your twins are technically, according to Weissbluth, “sleeping through the night”!

Gently encouraging your twins to sleep through the night can begin at a very young age.  But, often times, as parents of twins we are just so tired that we miss the golden opportunities when they are infants and may have to deal with some course corrections when they are a bit older.  For babies that are older than six months and still not sleeping through the night, you might explore the “Wake Up Light System” to help your babies learn when it is okay to wake up and when they should be sleeping.

So today, we have a special #tph Question of the Day, “When did your twins begin sleeping through the night? How long was the longest sleep streach at that point? And… do you have any tips to share with other parents to help move twins in that direction?”

Giveaway – “Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins”

By answering our question today, you will be entered to receive a copy of Dr. Weissbluth’s extremely helpful book, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins – A Step-by-Step Program for Sleep-Training Your Multiples“.  Please be sure to leave a comment with your email address for eligibility.

You may leave a comment either here (below) or on our Question of the Day in our membership community. If you do both, you will receive 2 entries to win!

Giveaway is open to residents of US and Canada only (sorry folks!). Full giveaway rules are available on our Rules page.  Contest ends 11:59:59 pm, October 12, 2010 PST.

Winner!

Our contest winner is Erin Thomson.  Congratulations, Erin!  Hope you make good use of Dr. Weissbluth’s book. Dr. Weissbluth is extremely wise in these matters!  

Best~

Whether you plan to breastfeed or bottle feed your babies, expecting parents of twins with an older child often worry about how they can keep their child occupied while they feed twin newborns.

Take the time to explain to your first born that new babies need to eat frequently. They are putting all of their energy into growing right now, so they can be a little bit boring at times, too. If you are able and choose to breastfeed, explain what it is all about — your child will be curious.

Don’t be afraid to ask your older child for help while you are feeding — bring things to you that you’ll need, and help burp the babies by patting them on the back. Being included and involved helps your older child to adjust and to feel needed.

A little advance planning can go a long way to keep things running smoothly for your older child, your twins, and you.

1.  Special Activity Basket.
Well before your 30th week of your twin pregnancy, begin gathering items for a “special activity” basket. The basket can be brought out for your child to choose an item to play with while you feed your twin infants. You can choose to allow your child to keep the new play item after the feeding session is over, or you can replace the item into the basket and put the basket away until the next session.  Both strategies have some advantages.

Putting the item back will help to retain the “specialness” of the items in the basket. You may find that your child has a particular interest in one thing when they choose that item over and over again. But, be prepared for the inevitable melt downs when the item is taken away and put back to the basket. This can be a learning opportunity for your child.

Having this special activity basket will encourage your toddler to look at feeding times as a positive experience rather than a negative one that diverts the attention of mommy & daddy.  This basket will be especially helpful for the first several weeks — until your little one becomes accustomed to the process and learns that a little independent play is required.

Ideas for items for your special activity basket:

• New toys
• Crayons
• Coloring Books
• Stickers
• Play Dough (and accessories like muffin tins, jello molds, cookie cutters)
• Puzzles
• Match box cars
• New videos
• Books
• Felt boards
• Coupons for watching a special video or tv show
• Jobs your child can help with (this is a treat for them), like dusting or hand washing dishes

While you can use the special activity basket as your primary strategy, you won’t want to go to the basket for every feed. It will be important to keep the “Special Activity Basket” fresh and perceived as a special treat. With that in mind, it is helpful to decide on a schedule for which feedings you will use the basket and which you will use other strategies.

2. Snack or Meal Time.
One or two feedings for your twins can coincide with a snack time for your toddler or preschooler. Plan ahead and have the snack prepared in advance. You can put out crackers, cheese, sliced apples and such to allow your toddler to help herself, or contain your child in their high chair to keep probing hands away at a safe distance.

3. Reading Time.
Another feeding could be designated as “reading time”. Again, planning ahead is key. Pick out a book that will hold your child’s interest and ask him to help by turning the pages. You might choose to have a “special” book that is only read during feeding time — to add to the feeling that your older child is special, too.

4. Story Time.
Wait… didn’t we already cover this? Nope. These are stories without the book. Kids love it when parents make up stories — especially when you incorporate your child and other family members into the story. Ask your child to contribute to the story, too. “What should happen next?”

5. Screentime.
While it is important to limit screen time, an occasional educational video or tv show — when it is planned within the context of an enriched environment — can be a sanity saver. Don’t feel guilty about it. One of our favorite TwinParenthood mantras is “You do what you have to do.”

6. Game Time.
Imagination Games are great to play during feeding time.  Here are some ideas to get you started.

• Animal Actors. Have your child act like a… bear, dog, cat, lion, etc.
• I Spy. This can occupy a young child for quite a while. “I spy something red… you’re getting hotter/colder… etc.”
• Mini scavenger hunt. Plan ahead, and draw pictures on little slips of paper and place your clues around the house. One clue leads to the next and so on. For example, the first clue might be a picture of a specific ball. At the ball, you’ll place the next clue, maybe a firetruck. At the firetruck you place a picture of a puzzle, and so on. Make sure you make the hunt long enough, but easy and age appropriate or else you’ll get sucked into helping!
• Word or Counting Games. Have your child bring out all of their stuffies (one by one) and organize them into a zoo in the living room. Then, have your child return them, one by one, to the bedroom and put them into the toy box or crib — Count them up as you go.

7. Location change.
Often times, just a change in location is enough to ensure your child is happy and occupied. Keeping toys segregated to specific areas of the house help with this strategy. The basement toys stay in the basement, the family room toys stay in the family room, etc.

8. The Entertainer.
Have another adult or older child play with your child. It can be very nice to hire a teenager from the neighborhood to come be mother’s helper for an hour after school each day. This can be a special time for your child and a break for you.

9. Adventure Train/Airplane/Bus.
Set up some chairs to create a vehicle and have your child sit down as the driver. Tell him to close his eyes and imagine taking a trip. Where would he like to go? Describe the scenery, describe things that happen along the way. When you arrive at your destination, have your child continue the action by gathering objects from this special place. A ball can be a coconut. A postcard can be a notice for a party. Help his imagination to soar.

10. New “Twin” Dolls.
Getting new “twin” dolls and caring for the new babies (the dolls) can be very comforting to your child. Have your child shadow you and she pretends to feed her infants, too.

As with all things in life, balance is key. Identify the strategies that work best for you, those that allow you to bond with your infants and maintain that special relationship with your older child, too.

Have you used any of these strategies? What else has worked for you?

copyright 2010 – TwinParenthood / Kathryn Whiteley