TwinParenthood.com

Twin Friendships are relatively easy to manage when twins are very young, but as twins get a little bit older, twin friendships can really be a challenge. Like many things twin, the dynamic is different with each unique set of twins, but there are many common twin friendship struggles.

These struggles get introduced when twins venture into new territory where new friendships can develop — such as school, sports, church, and other extra curricular activities.  These opportunities open the doors to meeting new kids and often times bring separate exposure to new kids.  Whereas in the early years, twins are frequently introduced to new friends at the same time, and have the same opportunities for becoming friends.  Friendships in the early years are often (not always) formed almost as a unit.  Both twins are friends with another child (or another set of twins).  Yet, even with these shared friends, struggles may begin to arise as children get a little bit older and want to stake a claim to a particular shared friend.

One Twin’s Friend

Even in the closest twin bond, when one twin makes a new friend that the other twin may not have been introduced to, or who has had limited exposure to, feelings can get hurt. No one wants to feel like the 3rd wheel. Unfortunately, this circumstance is very common with twins. One twin will often feel like the odd man out. Twins who once got along beautifully are now struggling.  This shows itself in many ways, from temper tantrums to sabotage.

Helping a twin cope

Parents need to be keenly aware of new friendships and help twins work through feelings of being shut out.  This might take the form of a special activity for the other twin to enjoy when their sibling is having a special playdate.  Parents can also actively search out opportunities for the other twin to make individual friendships of their own.  But probably most important, is encouraging your child to talk about her feelings. Help her to put herself into her twin’s place and explore those feelings, as well as putting  herself into the new friends’ position.

Helping a twin to be empathetic

But the burden of understanding should not be placed solely on the other twin.  The twin that is in the process of forming a separate friendship can use some coaching at this critical point as well.  Talk with him about friendships and empathy.  “How do you think it feels for Sally, now that you have a new friend? You don’t have to give up your new friendship, but how can you make her feel better along the way?” Helping your children through to deeper understanding is critical in their development into caring young people.

Ultimately, you cannot control your children’s friendships. But, you can be there to be a listening ear.  You can encourage your twins to talk about their feelings — with you and with each other. You can help them develop a deeper understanding of their twin bond and begin to develop empathetic feelings for others.  You can help them to understand that their actions and friendships are not totally about themselves.  Before you know it, they will have many types of friendships and will be caring young adults.

copyright 2010 – TwinParenthood / Kathryn Whiteley

Like any experience with twins, grocery shopping with twins can either be heaven or the opposite.  Here are some ideas and options for your next grocery shopping trip.

1. Order groceries online and have them delivered.  Not that many years ago, online grocery shopping was so limited, it wasn’t worth the effort. But now that the kinks have been worked out, online shopping has huge benefits for fatigued busy parents of twins. Once you get past the initial couple of orders, placing orders is quick and easy. Since your previous orders are in the system, you just need to tweak your order and you’re good to go.
2. Wear a Baby. Using a single child seat shopping cart and wearing a baby (in a front pack, backpack, or sling), is a great option for a successful trip to the grocery store with twins.
3. Shop at stores with double carts. Many stores now have large carts with two child seats. And, some have ”car carts” as my kids call them. These shopping carts are encased in little plastic cars (or they are attached to the front of the cart) and are loved by toddler and preschool aged twins. The cars often have more than one driver’s seat and steering wheel.
4. Divide and Conquer. Take two adults, split up the shopping list and the babies and meet back at the checkout.
5. Bring a large stroller. Hang reusable shopping bags from the handle of the stroller and fill ‘em up.  Some strollers also have a large storage area underneath. It was amazing how much I could load up on my double jogging stroller.  This system is great for a quick stop at the store, but doesn’t work as well for a full grocery visit.
6. Put both babies in one seat. This technique uses a single child seat shopping cart. Put one baby on the left side with her left leg out the leg hole, and tuck her right foot under her — like a 1/2 criss-cross applesauce. Put the other baby on the right side with the opposite leg positioning. Two sharing one seat.
7. Use two shopping carts. When at a store with single child seat shopping carts, sometimes your only option is to use two carts. Push one in front of you, while you pull one along behind you.
8. Push the cart, pull a stroller.  Or push the stroller along next to you by holding onto the side of the stroller. Easy enough… you’ve been working on those arm muscles with all that baby lifting anyway — right?
9. Leave babies at home. Ahhh… the grocery store, alone!  I TOLD you grocery shopping can be heaven! This option requires an accomplice, but Oh, so worth it sometimes!

I know there are many more ingenious ideas for grocery shopping, and many more tips and tricks. For one, I do recommend a shopping cart cover — but that’s a subject for another day.  Please leave a comment to let me know what else I missed.

Copyright 2010 Kathryn Whiteley — TwinParenthood.com

I was sitting around with a couple of twin friends the other day, when we began talking about what we had in our diaper bags. We had a good laugh when we thought about what our old work friends would think about our highly stimulating conversation. But, none-the-less, we continued our discussion and uncovered some really helpful “must have” items.

These friends had a couple of suggestions that had not occurred to me.  So, I posed the question online to my friends in Eastside Mothers of Multiples (my local twins club) and received even more helpful tips.  These are tips from twins parents that have “been there — done that”.

Many of the parents use the “plastic bag system”.  Some diaper bags are fantastic, with all sorts of special pockets — but even in those, it is helpful to further organize the contents of your diaper bag.  Clear plastic zipper bags (aka “Ziploc Bags”) of different sizes make it easy to find things and to keep up your inventory.

Diaper Bag Basics

Of course, every diaper bag needs to have a good selection of the basics. This is not intended to be an “end-all, beat-all” list of the basic stuff. I’ll list it here for the brand newbies out there. But, it doesn’t take even sleep deprived new parents of twins, triplets, or higher order multiples long to figure out this basic item list. If I’ve missed something obvious, please feel free to leave me a comment and point it out.

Outside the Diaper Bag

1. Plastic Bags in dispenser.  This is a neat trick — buy one of those plastic bag dispensers that attach to a dog leash.  Attach them to the outside of your diaper back, and you are set for disposing of diapers or wrapping up soiled clothing.
2. Hand Sanitizer.  Some of the travel sized hand sanitizer products come in a little neoprene case with a clip.  Attach to the outside of the diaper bag for convenience — you’ll use this a lot!
3. Luggage Tag.  A handy luggage tag with your cell phone number — in case you lose the diaper bag.

Inside the Diaper Bag

1. Diapering Bag.   This gallon sized plastic zipper bag has all the essentials for a diaper change.
   • diapers
   • travel pack of wipes
   • diaper creme
   • hand sanitizer – travel size (yes, one outside the main diaper bag AND one inside in the diapering ziploc.)
   • changing pad
2. Clothing Bag.  This gallon sized plastic zipper bag contains 2 changes of clothes
3. Pacifier Bag.  For those that use these, this small plastic zipper bag contains 2 extra pacifiers.
4. Burp Cloth/Extra Blanket.
5. Feeding Supplies.
   • Bottles
   • Packets of formula (premeasure your own to save money over pre-packaged serving sizes)
   • Bottled water
   • Bibs (disposable is handy)
6. First Aid / Medical.
   • Mini First Aid Kit (with band aids, anti-bacterial ointment or spray, gauze, cleanser wipes, etc.)
   • Medications.  Ask your pharmacy for an extra label and small bottle for your child’s medications. Even if you normally administer medications at home, having a back up supply is so  helpful “just in case”.

Beyond the Diaper Bag Basics

1. Leashes. I’ve gotta confess, I Love Leashes! We used the lightweight harness type with dog leashes that extend/retract. These were small enough to be able to keep in our diaper bag so we had them when we needed them. Keeping kids safe should always be a priority.
2. Entertainment.  One or more gallon sized zipper plastic bags filled with distraction.
   • books
   • crayons or markers / paper tablet / stickers
   • duplos / legos
   • electronics (music, video, etc.)
   • small car
   • bubbles
3. Snacks.  One or more small hard plastic containers (Tupperware) with quick snacks.
   • crackers
   • cereal or cereal bars
   • cookies
   • mini fruit cups
4. Adult Needs.  One zipper bag with adult essentials.
   • spare keys
   • tissues
   • extra cash

Now, it’s been a while since I hauled around a twin diaper bag, but I do still often bring a backpack crammed full of some of these same items. You never know when you’ll have an unexpected need when you’re out and about.   I know there are many more fantastic tricks “out there” — because there are so many creative parents “out there”.  Please leave a comment and share your special tip or trick.

Copyright 2010 Kathryn Whiteley — TwinParenthood.com

Bedtime challenges exist for many families, but when you add twins, triplets, or more into the equation, things can get out of hand rather quickly. Many children begin to resist bedtime as they move into the toddler years. With twins sharing a bedroom, Twin Escalation Syndrome (TES) begins to play a role. Twin Escalation Syndrome is the tendency for twins to feed upon each other’s behaviors, and to escalate the behaviors in reaction to each other. At bedtime, this often results in extended talking, or turns “bedtime” into “playtime”.

The Wake Up Light System solves sleep problems

The “Wake Up Light” (or “Morning Light”) is a light that comes on when it is time to get up in the morning. You hook up a night-light on a timer. When it is sleep time, the light is OFF… when it is okay to get up, the light comes on. Please read TwinParenthood.com’s article on the basics of the Wake Up Light System to get an understanding of this useful sleep tool and how to use Sleep Rules with the light and timer.  In this article, Part 2 of our series on the “Wake Up Light System, we’ll discuss how to use the light and timer to promote good sleep behaviors at bedtime.

Dealing with Playtime at Bedtime

Set the timer so that the light is on for 5-10 minutes at bedtime after you leave the room.  Tell your twins they can talk/sing/read/use the bathroom during that time, but when the light goes out… they must lay down, close their eyes, be still and be quiet.  As noted in part one of our Wake Up System articles, it is important to review these Sleep Rules every night at bedtime.

If they violate the sleep rules, don’t get angry. Just calmly say “It’s sleep time.” and take them back to their bed and lay them down. If you need to, you can repeat the sleep rules in a monotone whisper: “the light is off: lay down, close eyes, be still, be quiet”. Do not linger, do not give kisses, etc. just lay them in bed then leave the room. Do this as many times as you need to do it — do not waver, do not get angry… just matter of fact and boring.

If you have some bad habits to break, it might take 3-4 days of this “matter of fact” putting them back in bed and repeating the sleep rules. After a few days they will get bored, but you might have to repeat this action many, many times during the training period. Don’t get discouraged. If you are consistent and really don’t give them any power by responding in a different way, talking with them, pleading with them, or scolding them, they will get bored and will stop violating the sleep rules.

The Wake Up Light System has been a blessing in our household, and as I’ve shared the system with other families of multiples, I’ve heard nothing but positive feedback.  Give the system a try and see how it works in your house!

Copyright 2010 Kathryn Whiteley — TwinParenthood.com

Related Articles:

• More than Double Trouble: Twin Escalation Syndrom and Twin Behavior
• The “Wake Up Light System” helps to solve many sleep issues
• How to prevent twins from calling you in the night

It seems that sleep issues plague all parents at some time or another.

But for parents of twins, triplets, or higher order multiples, it seems like issues with sleep are magnified because every sleeping moment is so precious.  While there is no “magic bullet” to solve all sleep problems, the wake up light system (or “morning light” system) comes pretty darn close to it.

The wake up light is simply a light plugged into a timer. Place the wake up light where your twins can see it from their cribs or beds.

Crucial to the success of the wake up light system, is the consistent application and enforcement of the sleep rules. Make a poster with your sleep rules and place it on the wall near the wake up light. You can include a simple drawing of a child in bed with their eyes closed.

When you first introduce the light and the sleep rules, do it at a time OTHER than bed time or nap time. You can read and point to each word, you can point to the drawing of the sleeping child, or you can pantomime the actions as well as acting out the opposite of each. This is the one and only time you would ever act out the opposite of the desired actions.  This is done just so they understand, and you don’t want them to make a game of doing the opposite of the sleep rules. Talk about the wake up light and point to it.  Turn the light on to show what it looks like and explain, “when it comes on, you can get up!”.  Then, turn the light off and review the sleep rules again.

Review the sleep rules every night at bed time.

If they violate the sleep rules, don’t get angry. Just calmly say “It’s sleep time.” and take them back to their bed and lay them down. If you need to, you can repeat the sleep rules in a monotone whisper: “the light is off: lay down, close eyes, be still, be quiet”. Do not linger, do not give kisses, etc. just lay them in bed then leave the room. Do this as many times as you need to do it — do not waver, do not get angry… just matter of fact and boring.

If there are some bad habits to be broken, it might take 3-4 days of this “matter of fact” putting them back in bed and repeating the sleep rules. After a few days they will get bored, but you might have to be prepared to repeat this action many, many times over in a night/morning during the training period. Don’t get discouraged. If you are consistent and really don’t give them any power by responding in a different way, talking with them, pleading with them, scolding them, they will get bored and will stop violating the sleep rules.

To help your twins feel successful in the beginning, you can set the light to come on earlier than your ultimate desired wake up time — early enough that you KNOW they will still be asleep. That way, when they wake up, the light will be on and they can start their day right away. The first few days you can plan to get up early and be ready to greet them with “The light is on, Hooray! Good job!”. You can then move the wake up time gradually back to the actual time you want them to wake up. Depending how far you need to move their wake up time, you’ll want to go in 5-15 minute increments and leave it at each setting for 2-3 days.

Be very animated about all successes (especially in the first several months). Anytime they get up after the wake up light has come on, make a big deal out of it.  “Good Job! Look! The Light is on!  Time to get up! Good Morning!”.  Anytime they get up when the light is not on, be very monotone and boring, “Look. The light is not on. Sleep Time.” 

What age is appropriate to start using the wake-up light?

Babies as young as 7 – 8 months can use a wake up light. The nice thing about starting at a very young age is that the wake up light quickly becomes a natural part of their life — almost like the sun rising.  A young baby can sometimes take longer to get the hang of the light — but when you are consistent and continue to direct their attention to the light, they will eventually get it.

Of course, it is always important to assess the reason for any violations of the sleep rules. If there is a need that must be taken care of, do so as quickly and quietly as possible. Do not talk unless critically needed.  As the adult, it is up to you to judge if a violation of the rules is reasonable under the circumstances.  If it is not reasonable, do not argue, discuss, or explain — just revert back to the monotone,  “The light is not on. Sleep Time.”   If they are old enough for discussion, there will be time during daylight hours to discuss why the violation was not okay.

Toddlers do very well with a wake up light system, but older children can still benefit from it as well.  Sometimes, especially in the winter, it is hard to tell if it is time to get up in the morning because it might still be dark at the “normal” wake up time for your child.  The wake up light can help a child who wakes in the night wondering if it is time to get up.  If the light is off, it is still sleep time.

Hopefully this introduction to the wake up light system has given you a good overview. The wake up light system solves many different kinds of sleep and bedtime issues, and we’ll get into specific scenarios in future articles.  In the next article in this series, we’ll talk about how the wake up light can help with children that think that bedtime means playtime.

Copyright 2010 Kathryn Whiteley — TwinParenthood.com

Although parents of twins, triplets, or more are often “maxed out”, it is still important to make sure you are doing little things to help boost your baby’s intelligence.  It is not difficult, and these little things can help to ensure your children grow to be inquisitive with a desire to learn.

Scientists continue to conduct research into human intelligence. While it is true that genetics play an important role, environmental experiences early in life are a significant factor in how much of that genetic potential is reached. Exposing your twins, triplets, or higher order multiples to an enriched environment can exercise brain synapses — leading to forming more and stronger brain connections.  I’m not a scientist, but I find this field of study fascinating, and I did strive for an enriched environment for my twins. My efforts were rewarded with bright, intelligent kids with a curiosity for life. 

Things you can do to enrich your baby’s environment

1. Talk. The number one thing you can do to maximize baby intelligence is talk. How easy is that? Talk about everything. Talk about changing your baby’s diaper. Talk about the weather. Talk about being lonely – or having visitors.  Talk about the changing seasons.  Just talk.  At first, it might feel strange talking to these little infants that couldn’t possibly understand a word you are saying. But if you keep up a running narrative about what you are doing, pretty soon it becomes a habit and is easy to do. And, sorry folks, the television does not count as talking to your baby. If you do none of the other things in this list – talk.

    

   Info:B. Hart and T.R. Risley studied the amount of words spoken in homes and correlated it to IQ and academic performance through fifth grade. Based on their researched, they concluded, “The most important aspect of children’s language experience is its amount.” Learn more about their research from their book, Meaningful differences in the Everyday Experience of Young Children.

    

2. Count. Since you are already talking to your babies about everything you do, it is easy to begin counting everything you do as part of your narrative. Count the stuffies as you put them away, count the dishes and the cups, count the buttons as you dress your twins, triplets, or more. Count forwards, count backward. Just count.

    

   Tip:As your twins, triplets, or more grow into toddlers and sharing becomes an issue, ask them to count to share a toy. “Count to 10 then it will be your turn.” At first you will do the counting, but ask them to join with you. “Count with me… one… two… three…” Count very slowly so they can keep up.

 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-iRz7X14h4]

 

3. Sort and Group. Now, you are already talking and counting, so start grouping.  Sort the toys by color, resort them by size. Count them in their groups. Talk about differences in size – “Oh, there is a big truck! Look at it next to that tiny little car!”

   TIP: Introduce the concept of ‘value’ at an early age by asking them to group 5 small toys and then trading that for 1 bigger toy. You can do this with a pretend store. When you are ready to purge some baby toys, buy a couple of toddler toys and then ask them to find 5 baby toys to trade in for a “big boy toy”.

 

4. Breastfeed (or not). There is conflicting information about the benefit to intelligence of breastfeeding.  If you can, then breastfeed. If you are not able to, then pump and bottle feed. And if you are not able to pump, don’t worry that you are not doing your best for your babies. You are… whether you breastfeed or bottle feed, just be sure to cuddle, love, stroke her head, gaze into her eyes, and talk.
5. Music. Turn off the tv and play Mozart.  Many studies have shown a correlation between listening or learning to play music and performance of math tasks.
6. Walk. Get outside and walk with your babies everyday if you can. Expose them to the world around you. If the weather limits you, do your best to make it happen when possible. And when you are stuck indoors, find some active play and exercises you can do together.

No matter how tired you are, doing these things will help boost your twins’ intelligence, help them grow to be inquisitive with a desire to learn, and will have an added benefit for you.  Doing these things will help lift your mood. And when you’re sleep deprived from taking care of twins or more, these little lifts are huge. Give it a try.

Copyright 2009 – TwinParenthood.com / Kathryn Whiteley

As with singletons, it is normal for twins, triplets or more to go through phases where they are frightened of the dark, or wake up in the night upset, crying, afraid, or in “need” of something from you.  But since it is often associated with developmental stages, it can be more difficult for parents of multiples because often times more than one child is struggling in the night at the same time.  Sometimes one upset child will wake up another, making things more difficult and complicated to resolve.

Babies and toddlers understand our words more than we think sometimes. Talking about it always helps. Several things helped in our house:

1. There is a great book, titled “Owl Babies” by Martin Waddell.
   It’s about baby owls that awaken in the night and their mother is gone. They worry about what will happen to her and then her return reassures them. You can read the book (over and over and over and over) and talk about how it is normal for mommies (and daddies) to not be there when they wake up in the night.
2. The “wake up light”. This is a light that comes on when it is time to get up in the morning. You hook up a night-light on a timer. When it is sleep time, the light is OFF… when it is okay to get up, the light comes on. How does this help? In the middle of the night, when they awaken and cry, you can come into their room.. point at the light and say in a reassuring voice, “the wake up light is not on, time for sleep”.  Details on how to implement this system are available in our article, “The wake up light system helps to solve many sleep issues.”
3. The bedtime talk.  At bedtime, we always talk about what to do if they wake up in the night. “Think about why you woke up… are you cold? pull up the blankets (practice)… are you hot? take off a blanket (practice)… do you wonder if it is morning yet? check the wake up light (practice – point to the light)… snuggle into your bed, close your eyes, snuggle up with lovey, etc.” Although this conversation is about what happens in the middle of the night, it is reassuring and helps with the bedtime routine, too. Have this conversation every night — for months.
4. Twin-to-twin comfort. Are the beds close together? Can the kids touch each other? After the three above things were in place, one night we said, “Tonight we’re going to go out and you’re going to go to sleep with your lovey. Reach over and hold hands with sister / brother. Isn’t that nice? You’ll be together just like the owl babies!”
5. Consistent bedtime routine. Every night we’d use the exact same words as the last things we’d say when leaving the room. This routine was reassuring… they knew what was going to happen: mom and dad would go out and not come back until the morning — when the wake up light comes on. Be sure you are there when the morning light comes on. Say something like “Night-night, sweet dreams, I love you, see you when the wake up light comes on!” all very sing-song. And then, don’t get pulled back in. Make sure you have done EVERYTHING before you say these words. If you go back, it undermines the routine and they learn “delays” as they get older… “wait! I need a drink!”… “wait! I need a kiss!” Decide what things you will do for them each night. Then make sure you do all of them… try to do it in the same order each night. If you decide you are going to add something to the routine, add it at the beginning — not as the last thing. Adding it at the front end keeps the rhythm and shouldn’t trigger the idea that more things can be added at the end.

I hope these ideas spark some ideas that might help at your house.  What else has worked for you? Please leave a comment — help out another struggling parent.~

Copyright 2009 – TwinParenthood.com / Kathryn Whiteley

* I was not compensated for the mention of this book. It is a personal recommendation only.